Equally Yoked

This is our "castle" in the background.
 Actually this is Ben fiddling around
with that awesome program called Photoshop. LOL!

I desire for my husband and I to be equally yoked in our marriage. I know that he has felt that he was the one carrying all of the weight for the responsibilities of our family. I want him to feel supported, for our marriage to be free from contention, and for some more healing to take place. I know that some healing has already occurred. I am making deposits in our marital relationship banking account and I hope that my sweet husband can feel the difference. They have been small, but I am determined to be consistent and through the companionship of the Holy Ghost our bond with each other will grow stronger than it ever has been before.

"It is only with the companionship of the Holy Ghost that we can hope to be equally yoked in a marriage free from discord. I have seen how that companionship is crucial for felicity in a marriage. The miracle of becoming one requires the help of heaven, and it takes time."

—Henry B. Eyring, "To My Grandchildren"
Topics: Unity in Marriage, Happiness in Family Life, Companionship of Holy Ghost

Play Your Part...Educate Yourself about Mental Illness

Lifetime Original Movie "Call Me Crazy" Actors Speak Out

NAMI and the TV television channel Lifetime partnered to put together what looks like an amazing film that sheds light on many mental illnesses: schizophrenia, bipolar, PTSD (from a veteran's perspective). Thanks go to these actors who chose to add their voice to the importance of mental health education.

This "Call Me Crazy" movie trailer posted on YouTube made me cry. 

It stirred up a lot of emotions and I could relate in so many ways. It is true that your mind is where you think, dream, struggle BUT...you have a spirit inside of you that helps you overcome the natural man. Let me explain what I mean by this. Say I have a hard time forgiving myself & letting things go (a disease symptom by the way). I can learn healthy coping skills and tools that will help me overcome negative emotions and put them behind me. I don't have control over the fact that I have this disease but I do have control over "how" I let it affect my life. Will I be a bystander in my own life? Will I let (yes let, you do still have a choice) this disease take over and control my life? Or will I be an active participant in my recovery? Will I use the right tools to fight my battles against depression? I promise that today, while my kids are gone, that I will use the Empty your Bucket tool. Will you? Comment below!

I have often said that a mental illness is not only a physiological disease but it is also a thinking disease. As I was reading my BRIDGES Teachers Manual I was amazed at the "HOW" & the "WHY" mental illness alters our thoughts. My whole goal for my blog is to not only record my journey towards healing but to empower women AND their families, to initiate dialogue and understanding, & to help women realize how much control they really do have over their illness. 

In the beginning a person, like myself, can feel like they are "broken." This feeling generates negative emotions that are self-destructive like helplessness, hopelessness, & despair. Training in how to overcome your negative emotions does wonders for your recovery and happiness.

There is HELP, HOPE, RECOVERY, HAPPINESS, JOY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, BALANCE, & PRODUCTIVITY available to those who struggle and this pertains to ALL of the mental illnesses, not just mine. 

KUDOS to Lifetime for addressing what once was a taboo subject and kudos to NAMI for being able to get their messages out there among the general public (I can't advocate for or approve of the movie, YET...since I haven't seen it. I hope it's clean with no bad parts!). During my BRIDGES teacher training I was very impressed with the resources and education NAMI provides. Please support NAMI, they do so much good for those with a mental illness, their families, and in educating the public.

"Breaking the Silence on Suicide"

Thanks, Seth, for being brave enough to share your story with KSL 5 news. I agree with you...healing does come through helping other people.

"For things to change..."

"You can't talk your way out of a problem you've behaved yourself into."

--Stephen Covey, author of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"


This is something I heard while listening to a book on our drive. It really stood out to me because of all the empty promises I made while in the denial stage of my disease. (This was me trying to "talk" myself out of trouble). Mental illnesses do affect behavior but that doesn't necessarily excuse all of one's accountability.

I remember asking my LDS family therapist about wanting to differentiate between what things I did (while being diagnosed 10 years ago) that I needed to repent of and what was simply "the disease." She said, "I don't believe that's your responsibility. Leave it in the hands of your Savior, the perfect judge."

I started crying after she told me that. It was such a relief. It was like I was given permission to let go of a heavy burden and so I did.

Initially in the diagnosis process of my disease I was so mean to my husband, my mother-in-law and to some other people who were only trying to help. I was hurting and in denial and I didn't trust anyone. I have felt the godly sorrow and made the necessary restitution to help repair relationships. And I know this is "good enough" in my Father in Heaven's eyes because of the peace I feel.

I chose to seek out therapy so I could better understand my disease and know what steps to take that allow recovery and healing to take place.

I choose to take those steps!

I choose to be careful of what I eat. For this week of camping I bought more fruit and veggies for our menu than junk food. Yay!

And yes, I need to choose to go to bed at 10:00 at night. I now realize it's the first step on the downward slope of my depression cycles. -Sigh- I've been so stubborn and prideful about this critical need I have. Sleep is essential.


"For things to change...I MUST CHANGE."

--Kirk Duncan, President and founder of 3 Key Elements


***I had cell coverage!!

Paying it Forward

 In Kindergarten one of my kids really struggled to learn her sight words and was behind in her reading when she entered first grade. With the help of some amazing reading specialists at her school and one on one reading with a "reading grandma" tutor she finally learned how to read!!!

I am so grateful for the help she received. I worked really hard to help her at home but she would often get frustrated with mom (; Since then she has really taken off in her reading and begs to go to the library.


So when my Stake Relief Society asked us to volunteer to be reading tutors at this school that is one of the poorest performing schools in our state I wanted to pay it forward because of the help my child received.

This is the blue card that he gave me on the last day. Cute, huh?
That's apparently me on the right with a  book to read to him
although he was the one that always read to me. (:

"Scooer book" also known as the book about soccer that
I gave to him as a gift. I hope that he will read it throughout this
summer because it is a long book!

What's Been Keeping Me Very Busy for the Past Two weeks

I spent all day every day last week weeding and trying to get rid of huge dandelion weeds and a whole bunch of field bindweed, also known as morning glory. These weeds are so invasive and quickly spread. Last year I was too busy moving into our new home that I wasn't able to get ahead of the weeds. This year I am almost done (YEAH!) and have put down bark to discourage any new weeds. I will stay ahead of them this year!

I've come to realize that for me to be able to effectively help others I need to remove old emotions (whether it's about past mistakes I've made or being overly hard on myself for something I did), to "ROOT" them out and let them go. I've really been working at this for the past few weeks.

Old emotions are not healthy and they keep me stuck. They are also very depressing and they do trigger my depression cycles.

I'll post some "after" pictures when I finish!

There's strawberry plants in there somewhere!

How to Break Depression Cycles: Empty your Bucket

I once had it explained to me that everyone has an empty bucket per say that fills up with different stressors throughout the day. For those with a mental illness like bipolar we wake up in the morning with our buckets half full already. We physically, emotionally and spiritually need to be watchful of the stressors we face so we don't trigger anxiety or depression. So how do I empty my bucket so that I feel balanced in my life?

Blogging definitely helps.

Writing down old emotions gets them out of my head so I don't constantly dwell on them and become depressed.

Depression feeds on negativity and grows exponentially.

There is a strong temptation to mask how I am feeling (through excessive amounts of TV & reading) when I am depressed. I think this may be the reason why so many of those who suffer from a mental illness also suffer from addictions to drugs and other things.

I also hide.

In the past I have usually hid from the emotion and isolated myself from other people.

So...here's what I learned this past weekend:

1. Empty your bucket through writing.

2. Purge: Allow yourself to feel the emotion, no more avoiding or hiding from it.

3. Refiner's Fire & Fuller's Soap: these words are used in the Bible to describe the Lord's ability to purify. He makes possible for me to be able clean up old emotions and feelings. So I repent and forgive when necessary or simply let go of the old "stuff." After writing my daughter Mimi likes to shred her paper. I like to burn mine (my refiners fire).

These three steps are how I like to 

                                          Break Free


                                                      from the cycles of depression

                                                                                                  and HEAL.

Green Smoothie Night was a BIG Success!!! And Lou Lou had a great weekend.

YEAH! I think I heard my volunteer "waitresses" who helped pour the different smoothies into cups count 43 every time. My good friend was such a big help in the kitchen and it was thanks to her that everything went smoothly. She was awesome in knowing what ingredient I needed next and would prep it and set it next to the blender. Thank you!

People asked a lot of questions, we laughed, I was gentle in the amount of greens I added, I taught them a lot about nutrition and they surprisingly enjoyed the recipes (surprising to them, not me, lol)!

It turned out to be a fun girls night and a good way for the Relief Society sisters in my stake to get to know each other.

I chose to trust that people would come and refused to take counsel from my fears that no one would show up. (:

 Life is so much better when we choose to trust.

I'm going to experiment. I will drink three green smoothies this week and choose to eat "healthified" treats and see if it makes a difference with how I feel emotionally and mentally. I already know that eating "crud," also known as sugary or highly processed foods that my body craves when I am depressed, actually makes my depression worse.

***My daughter had a lot of fun spending time with her cousin this weekend. We spent a night at my parents house and on the couple of hours ride back Lou Lou and my nephew laughed the whole way. They were being goofy and it made me happy to see her laugh and have fun. My hubbie and I both agreed that this was the best car ride ever. No fighting. Everyone got along. I LOVED IT! Thank you, nephew!

Letters from Home

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter addressing it to my Heavenly Father.
I told Him everything. I was seeking guidance on whether on not I should sign up for this mentoring program
or if it would be too much for me to handle.
I wrote about my fears,worries & my hopes.
I listed 6 things that I "am" willing to put on hold so that I could create the necessary time and space in my life for this program. 
I am making room for success.
There are changes that I need to make in my life and WANT to make in my life.
One year from now I do NOT want to be in the same place I am now. 
I do not want my cycles of depression to last 2 1/2 months at a time.
I want to know what my triggers are for depression and have the tools I need to avoid them.
I already know what triggers my anxiety and I am careful and wise in avoiding the ones I have control over.


I then addressed a letter to myself from my Father and carefully listened to the Spirit to know what to write.
OH, MY.
What a powerful experience.
I cried and felt so loved. The Spirit was so strong.

I felt that I should share a little bit from that letter:

"I know this bipolar illness has been very challenging for you. It pains and saddens me to see you depressed or struggling with feelings of despair or hopelessness. I want to see you healed. I want you to feel loved despite the depression. I want you to TRUST me, relying on me to help inspire, comfort, & uplift you during those times. You are so strong. I want you to believe it. I want you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU ARE STRONG. You were a strong warrior in the preexistence during the war in Heaven. You were unwavering, strong and steadfast. You were a great help to many thousands of people. Your influence was GREAT. You are a very choice spirit. Because of the battle skills you have and demonstrated against Satan and the powers of darkness I knew and trusted that you would be brave in facing the lonely darkness of depression. I needed you to go through this trial of depression so that you would know how to succor those of my precious children who are downtrodden. Your influence will be great. You will be able to help lift many thousands of people who suffer as you have suffered. I need you to be able to be there for them. I love you. Keep fighting, be undaunted, trust ME, put your trust in ME and I will lead, guide, comfort and help you in your journey towards healing. You are a choice spirit. I love you and need your help and leadership to rescue others.
-----------------------------------
Just typing this made me cry.

 I strongly encourage my readers to try this experience. 

Write a letter to God and then carefully listen to what comes into your mind and heart and write it down. You will feel His love.
You will be amazed as you learn things about yourself that you didn't know or have forgotten.

Depression is a battle that can be won and I am fiercely determined to do it.

Conquering Mt. Everest

Why Mt. Everest?

IMAGINE yourself climbing Mt. Everest. You  can see the summit in the distance when you collapse and there's no way you can go any further. You're completely spent. You have absolutely no more energy left, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, or physically. 

Out of the corner of your eye you see the Savior. He is there because you humbly and prayerfully invited Him. You watch as He walks towards you. He is coming to your aid and He is the one to help you reach the top. 

I believe we all have a "Mt. Everest" in our lives. At different periods in our lives sometimes our trials are mountains, or hills, or boulders and sometimes they're only annoying pebbles in our shoes. The only reason we make it to the top is due to our Savior's Atonement. There's no way we can make it on our own, nor should we even try. (But we all try to sometimes, don't we? ;) ) 

In the past, my life's Mt. Everest has been severe symptoms of suicidal ideation, insomnia, major depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

Let me be clear. I AM NOT bipolar. 
Why? Because this dis-ease in my body does not define me.

I WILL NOT even say that I HAVE a mental illness called bipolar disorder. Some may say that "I'm in denial." Nope. This dis-ease no longer has a place in my life. I am no longer allowing it room in my life or "feeding it." 

I do not want those symptoms of dis-ease in my body to be stored my cell's memories.

This dis-ease does not define who I am and I will never say that I am bipolar. My worth is infinite and divine. My value does not come from what I have, what I can do, but from who I am.

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.

I have had many promptings that I needed to start a blog about my experiences. One thing has stopped from taking this step is mainly

FEAR.

Hence, the pen name. This blog will be full of very real and raw emotions and I feel I can be more open with a pen name. But should my identity really matter? I don't usually share the fact that I have a mental illness with those that I meet or even some of my closest friends. I have learned the hard way that there are many misconceptions about mental illnesses in general. Hopefully, I can to dispel some of those myths.

(September 29, 2015) For the past 5 years I have progressed on my healing journey to the point where I am not ashamed of my disease. It is not something that I need to hide. There are many misconceptions about mental illnesses and I cannot dispel those myths if I choose to hide. Today I am much more open about my disease. There are so many people who suffer, so many families who lives are affected by a family member's mental illness. I promise that your hurt will turn into hope, your despair into determination to fight against the disease, your pain into peace.

My writing has enabled me to learn to trust my Savior by laying this burden at His feet and receive the healing that I desire. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said,

"Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a “healing” cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are “healed” by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

I absolutely BELIEVE, 

                                                                      truly believe and trust 

that I will be completely and 100% HEALED.

I have received my healing through the understanding, patience, and ability to release this burden through God's loving grace. I now know what to eat and what foods to completely avoid; what essential oils to use and which essential oils actually create more harm than good because their tainted with chemicals, and most importantly how to take charge of my own health plan using the guidance and relying on the amazing talents of naturalistic-minded health professionals with medical degrees.

Please listen to this amazing song by Hilary Weeks called Beautiful Heartbreak 

You'll love it. I promise.

It's the perfect ending to this post.