Monday, December 26, 2011

Wise Men STILL seek Him

My husband is such a good example to me of sharing with others. A few weeks ago I asked him if we could buy some Christmas gifts for a needy family in our community. We took our kids shopping with us and made it a fun family activity. Our cart was pretty full with the gifts when my husband grabbed a gift card and added some money to it saying to me, "They could probably use this."

The amazing thing about my husband's generosity is that when I asked him that question a few weeks ago I had no idea about the instability of his own job that he is experiencing lately. (I knew that he was was concerned about his job but I really didn't know the details until recently). When someone is in need, my Mr. doesn't hesitate to help and I love him for it.

The following video contains examples of finding those around us who need our help. I know we can be instruments in our Savior's hands in reaching out to those in need whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual needs.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Who is Mrs. Fuzzle?

What's a fuzzle? Beats me!

Apparently I talked in my sleep a few weeks ago. According to my husband this is what I said,

"I hope the Big fuzzles do their job and I hope the little fuzzles grow into Big fuzzles!"

My Mr. then asked me what a fuzzle was and I just patted his arm. I recalled all of this when he told me and I remember patting his arm reassuringly and I was about to explain but I fell back asleep. My family laughed a lot about our fuzzle story. My oldest thought it was great and kept quoting me all week.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Stabilizing the Boat & Overcoming Bad Habits

(I started this post on 2 Nov 2011 and published it 18 Jan 2012. I'm so used to writing rough drafts before my final "essay." (; And I haven't figured out how to change the date yet!)

A couple of months ago I kept track of how many days I was depressed and how many days where I wasn't. Two months of depression passed and then I had three good days where I felt happy and content. After those three days I slipped back into another cycle of depression.

I was shocked.
It surprised me to see how long the periods of my depression were. 

This pattern was pretty typical. While the medications that I was on helped pull me out of my first (and hopefully last) severe and deep depression
I still had some symptoms of depression. 
I thought that this was as good as it was going to get...
it wasn't the deep, deep depression that I had experienced years earlier and for that reason alone I was very grateful.

A few good days and then several days of not wanting to socialize, sleeping longer, and doing what I call "brain dead" activities such as the Internet, the t.v., reading books...things that for me numbed the pain of depression.  While none of these activities I participated in were bad, they became unhealthy coping skills because I did them in excess. I thought I was able to escape for a few moments but in reality I was making my depression worse.
I told myself that something finally needed to be done about this lingering depression so I called my psychiatrist, whom I'll call "Dr. L." My medications were adjusted and those days where I feel depressed have dramatically lessened. Thank heavens for modern medicine. (I am very grateful for the medications that have lessened the severity of the mood swings aka stabilizing my boat). I never knew nor did I expect that I could have this many good days in a row. I still have cycles of depression but they don't last as long.

I am very blessed.

***1 May 2013 I have since learned that medications actually helped stabilize the "boat" of my mental illness symptoms. I feel it is SO IMPORTANT to work together with my Psychiatrist AND THERAPIST. I think mental Illnesses are part "thinking" diseases, aside from the obvious physiological symptoms. Sometimes the way I think and feel about myself or my life is messed up and I need the guidance of a therapist to help straighten me out. (: It is so important to FIGHT against this disease, to seek help from health professionals, to manage your disease and not let it manage you. Everything on my blog is my own opinion and I am not a licensed medical provider. I can only share what I have learned from my own experiences. I made a subconscious decision that I didn't want to wallow in the severe depression anymore. It's very empowering to realize that I can actually fight against this disease because I have PROOF! I am not where I was 10 years ago. I want others who suffer from this horrible disease to 
 that they too have the
 ability and power
 within themselves to fight against mental illness. 
You are empowered
You are stronger that you realize.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Conquering Mt. Everest

Why Mt. Everest?

IMAGINE yourself climbing Mt. Everest. You  can see the summit in the distance when you collapse and there's no way you can go any further. You're completely spent. You have absolutely no more energy left, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, or physically. 

Out of the corner of your eye you see the Savior. He is there because you humbly and prayerfully invited Him. You watch as He walks towards you. He is coming to your aid and He is the one to help you reach the top. 

I believe we all have a "Mt. Everest" in our lives. At different periods in our lives sometimes our trials are mountains, or hills, or boulders and sometimes they're only annoying pebbles in our shoes. The only reason we make it to the top is due to our Savior's Atonement. There's no way we can make it on our own, nor should we even try. (But we all try to sometimes, don't we? ;) ) 

In the past, my life's Mt. Everest has been severe symptoms of suicidal ideation, insomnia, major depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

Let me be clear. I AM NOT bipolar. 
Why? Because this dis-ease in my body does not define me.

I WILL NOT even say that I HAVE a mental illness called bipolar disorder. Some may say that "I'm in denial." Nope. This dis-ease no longer has a place in my life. I am no longer allowing it room in my life or "feeding it." 

I do not want those symptoms of dis-ease in my body to be stored my cell's memories.

This dis-ease does not define who I am and I will never say that I am bipolar. My worth is infinite and divine. My value does not come from what I have, what I can do, but from who I am.

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.

I have had many promptings that I needed to start a blog about my experiences. One thing has stopped from taking this step is mainly


Hence, the pen name. This blog will be full of very real and raw emotions and I feel I can be more open with a pen name. But should my identity really matter? I don't usually share the fact that I have a mental illness with those that I meet or even some of my closest friends. I have learned the hard way that there are many misconceptions about mental illnesses in general. Hopefully, I can to dispel some of those myths.

(September 29, 2015) For the past 5 years I have progressed on my healing journey to the point where I am not ashamed of my disease. It is not something that I need to hide. There are many misconceptions about mental illnesses and I cannot dispel those myths if I choose to hide. Today I am much more open about my disease. There are so many people who suffer, so many families who lives are affected by a family member's mental illness. I promise that your hurt will turn into hope, your despair into determination to fight against the disease, your pain into peace.

My writing has enabled me to learn to trust my Savior by laying this burden at His feet and receive the healing that I desire. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said,

"Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a “healing” cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are “healed” by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

I absolutely BELIEVE, 
                                                                      truly believe and trust 

that I will be completely and 100% HEALED.

I have received my healing through the understanding, patience, and ability to release this burden through God's loving grace. I now know what to eat and what foods to completely avoid; what essential oils to use and which essential oils actually create more harm than good because their tainted with chemicals, and most importantly how to take charge of my own health plan using the guidance and relying on the amazing talents of naturalistic-minded health professionals with medical degrees.

Please listen to this amazing song by Hilary Weeks called Beautiful Heartbreak 

You'll love it. I promise.

It's the perfect ending to this post.