4 Day Mommy Vacation...It's been so awesome so far!

For the past two days I have been mentored at a seminar at the Salt Palace in Utah on how to better share my message of hope with others by changing how and what I think and on how I can heal from depression. Moms need to invest time in themselves so they can better serve their families. So I have loved this "mommy break" and I got to spend some time at the temple on Wednesday where I recharged my spiritual "batteries." And I also did some shopping! (:

I've said before that depression is part physiological and part "thinking disease." I'm excited that I am investing time into studying how I can change the way that I think. Tomorrow I hope to glean some more ideas on how to better share my message. I've come to learn that I allow way to much "crud" into my life and it's time to remove negative thinking and emotions. I will share what I learn!

I reread an old post about the symptoms of depression and was a little shocked. I have been trying to figure out what my triggers are for depression. As I read the list of symptoms I realized that some of the symptoms ARE triggers.

So my depression symptoms feed my depression and I get stuck in this horrible cycle.

But, I've learned some tools on how to

                                                              Break Free.

I'll blog what those tools are in my next post.
          

Green Smoothie Night was a BIG Success!!! And Lou Lou had a great weekend.

YEAH! I think I heard my volunteer "waitresses" who helped pour the different smoothies into cups count 43 every time. My good friend was such a big help in the kitchen and it was thanks to her that everything went smoothly. She was awesome in knowing what ingredient I needed next and would prep it and set it next to the blender. Thank you!

People asked a lot of questions, we laughed, I was gentle in the amount of greens I added, I taught them a lot about nutrition and they surprisingly enjoyed the recipes (surprising to them, not me, lol)!

It turned out to be a fun girls night and a good way for the Relief Society sisters in my stake to get to know each other.

I chose to trust that people would come and refused to take counsel from my fears that no one would show up. (:

 Life is so much better when we choose to trust.

I'm going to experiment. I will drink three green smoothies this week and choose to eat "healthified" treats and see if it makes a difference with how I feel emotionally and mentally. I already know that eating "crud," also known as sugary or highly processed foods that my body craves when I am depressed, actually makes my depression worse.

***My daughter had a lot of fun spending time with her cousin this weekend. We spent a night at my parents house and on the couple of hours ride back Lou Lou and my nephew laughed the whole way. They were being goofy and it made me happy to see her laugh and have fun. My hubbie and I both agreed that this was the best car ride ever. No fighting. Everyone got along. I LOVED IT! Thank you, nephew!

She was HIS before I became her mother.

Today I was running errands and I sat in my car in the Walmart parking lot and just cried.
I hurt because my baby girl hurts.

So today I surprised Lou Lou with a fun lunch and sat with her. It's still cool when Mom comes to eat lunch at school. (;


As her mother I will serve her with little acts of kindness and speak her love language to help build her up.

I read this quote a few days ago and KNEW my Father was comforting and reassuring me that He's "got her back."

"[The Savior's] arms are outstretched with yours to succor and bless the children of our Heavenly Father, including those in your family."
—Henry B. Eyring, "Ensign and Liahona"

She'll be okay because He is watching over her. I'm placing this heartache at His feet. My Savior Jesus Christ and my loving Father in Heaven both love this little girl.

Green Smoothie Night!!!

Going over to the church in a few minutes to set up for the green smoothie night that I have planned for the whole Stake.

Please pray for me!

I am way excited to share what I've learned over the past couple of years since I started making green smoothies.

I FEEL so much better when I eat healthier. I really think it helps lessen the severity of my depression. I feel stronger and more able to fight against my disease.

Stay tuned later this week for a guest post by one of very close friends and someone I look up to. She was the one who started me on my journey to eat healthier and to stay away from processed foods. In an upcoming post I'll explain why.

Struggles

Normally, I try to blog about positive and uplifting things but today I am feeling a little discouraged and sad for several reasons. 

I've been "thrown up" on by several people by their negative emotions. I'm upset with myself because I essentially give others "permission" to treat me that way. I am learning and seeking ways to "build my castle" including "signs" that are posted in front of me that say things like,

"No Dumping Allowed...EVER!"

My castle also includes a drawbridge and a moat filled with sharks, piranhas, alligators, crocodiles, and poisonous snakes. This allows me to determine who and what I allow into my inner circle. I want to make sure I surround myself with the right kind of friends and yes, even extended family members. I can't afford to be around family members who are toxic and make me feel depressed after being around them. I do LOVE everyone who I am related to but if it means that I have to hold you at a distance until you are in a healthier place I will. I have a huge need to be around those who are a great support system and help to lift me up. Fighting my depression is hard enough, I don't need others adding to my already heavy burden. I can love others from a distance! (;

This is a blog recording my journey and I think it's necessary sometimes to write about the bad days I sometimes have. The other day I picked my kids up from school and as soon as my oldest, "Lou, Lou," got into the car she turned her back away from me and started sobbing.


She cried all the way home.


I pulled into the garage, turned off the car and then gently touched her arm. She told me, "I don't want to talk about it." I told her okay and then climbed into the back seat and just hugged her while she cried for several more minutes.

My heart hurts when I see her hurt. It's so hard to watch my children struggle with something.

I let her know that she could come to either her dad or me ANYTIME when she felt ready to talk about why she was crying. Later that night she came to me and told me about something that happened to her at school. My Mr. And I both listened, gave advice when she asked, and we are praying for her.


Lou, Lou is also being bullied by some other girls in her class and I see my daughter internalizing and believing what they are saying.

Oh, it really makes me cry.

So my goal this summer is to build her confidence. I will teach her positive and powerful body language that sends a "message" to insecure bullies to "go bug someone else" because I (meaning my daughter) am confident and strong.

We all have bad days. It's what we choose that makes all the difference in the long run.


I choose to learn more about building my castle and I commit to applying what I learn.


I choose to BUILD my children up so they will value themselves for what they are worth. 

Our worth is infinite and divine. It's immeasurable because we were bought with a price through the bleeding and suffering of our Elder brother Jesus Christ. He loves us perfectly. He completely understands our pain because of the burden of our sins and sufferings He took upon Himself. We can pray for help.


Sometimes on days like these I offer up one word prayers in my heart that say, "Help." I know my Father in Heaven knows EXACTLY what I mean and how to help me. He answers through thoughtfulness of friends and family or by added strength and faith to push through how I am feeling.


I am never left comfortless.

The bleeding heart bush by my front steps.
I love this plant, it makes me smile every time I see it.

Why I am Here

"The Majesty of Motherhood- What I Would Tell Myself"

I would tell myself:

"It's not your fault Mimi has/had memory "hiccops". Your body carried her full term during a difficult and high risk pregnancy. Good job, Amber. You bravely fought to have her and to bring her here on this earth.


You taught her how to walk and talk, you can teach her the ABC's, #'s, and how to read, write, add and subtract.


It's not your fault you can't have more kids.


Let go of guilt, it's not healthy.


Give your oldest daughter CHOICES and she will choose the right.


Trust her. She is a VERY valiant spirit.

Fear Challenge: Post my picture on my Blog...

Oh dear.
This is such a huge step for me because it is so easy to want to hide this disease 
from those who I know and associate with.
There are so many myths about mental illness.
Part of that comes from Hollywood and part comes from ignorance.

A LOT of FEAR and some thoughts of anxiety are racing through my head...

Will I be judged?
Will my friends stop trusting me?
Will they stop being my friends because of something their brother's uncle's mother's daughter-in-law's next door neighbor who "is" also bipolar did? (:
Will this affect my kids and how they are treated? (I certainly hope not because there is a mother bear in me who wants to shield my "cubs" from hurt and teasing. Plus, I don't see what my disease has anything to do with them and how they should be and deserve to be treated).

Years ago I lost a close friend when I told her about my disease and that really hurt. Another person my Mr. and I invited into our home told me how horrible bipolar people are because of something someone else did. As she was ranting, my husband gave me one of those looks that said, "Should we tell her what you have?" I slightly shook my head that said, "No." Looking back I really missed out on a great opportunity to prove to her that not all people who have a mental illness are like that or behave that way. I know that I have some hurt that I need to let go of. I know I need to trust people, be confident, & not allow others' opinions dictate how I feel about myself.

It is amazing to me when I look back a couple of posts that I had blogged about not taking counsel from my fears. So without further ado, here's a picture I took of myself today. My first name is Amber.

Aren't I cute?

I certainly think so!

See, I'm normal looking, but my husband thinks I'm quite hot.

**Oh, it was so hard to hit that PUBLISH button.