Struggles

Normally, I try to blog about positive and uplifting things but today I am feeling a little discouraged and sad for several reasons. 

I've been "thrown up" on by several people by their negative emotions. I'm upset with myself because I essentially give others "permission" to treat me that way. I am learning and seeking ways to "build my castle" including "signs" that are posted in front of me that say things like,

"No Dumping Allowed...EVER!"

My castle also includes a drawbridge and a moat filled with sharks, piranhas, alligators, crocodiles, and poisonous snakes. This allows me to determine who and what I allow into my inner circle. I want to make sure I surround myself with the right kind of friends and yes, even extended family members. I can't afford to be around family members who are toxic and make me feel depressed after being around them. I do LOVE everyone who I am related to but if it means that I have to hold you at a distance until you are in a healthier place I will. I have a huge need to be around those who are a great support system and help to lift me up. Fighting my depression is hard enough, I don't need others adding to my already heavy burden. I can love others from a distance! (;

This is a blog recording my journey and I think it's necessary sometimes to write about the bad days I sometimes have. The other day I picked my kids up from school and as soon as my oldest, "Lou, Lou," got into the car she turned her back away from me and started sobbing.


She cried all the way home.


I pulled into the garage, turned off the car and then gently touched her arm. She told me, "I don't want to talk about it." I told her okay and then climbed into the back seat and just hugged her while she cried for several more minutes.

My heart hurts when I see her hurt. It's so hard to watch my children struggle with something.

I let her know that she could come to either her dad or me ANYTIME when she felt ready to talk about why she was crying. Later that night she came to me and told me about something that happened to her at school. My Mr. And I both listened, gave advice when she asked, and we are praying for her.


Lou, Lou is also being bullied by some other girls in her class and I see my daughter internalizing and believing what they are saying.

Oh, it really makes me cry.

So my goal this summer is to build her confidence. I will teach her positive and powerful body language that sends a "message" to insecure bullies to "go bug someone else" because I (meaning my daughter) am confident and strong.

We all have bad days. It's what we choose that makes all the difference in the long run.


I choose to learn more about building my castle and I commit to applying what I learn.


I choose to BUILD my children up so they will value themselves for what they are worth. 

Our worth is infinite and divine. It's immeasurable because we were bought with a price through the bleeding and suffering of our Elder brother Jesus Christ. He loves us perfectly. He completely understands our pain because of the burden of our sins and sufferings He took upon Himself. We can pray for help.


Sometimes on days like these I offer up one word prayers in my heart that say, "Help." I know my Father in Heaven knows EXACTLY what I mean and how to help me. He answers through thoughtfulness of friends and family or by added strength and faith to push through how I am feeling.


I am never left comfortless.

The bleeding heart bush by my front steps.
I love this plant, it makes me smile every time I see it.

Why I am Here

"The Majesty of Motherhood- What I Would Tell Myself"

I would tell myself:

"It's not your fault Mimi has/had memory "hiccops". Your body carried her full term during a difficult and high risk pregnancy. Good job, Amber. You bravely fought to have her and to bring her here on this earth.


You taught her how to walk and talk, you can teach her the ABC's, #'s, and how to read, write, add and subtract.


It's not your fault you can't have more kids.


Let go of guilt, it's not healthy.


Give your oldest daughter CHOICES and she will choose the right.


Trust her. She is a VERY valiant spirit.

Fear Challenge: Post my picture on my Blog...

Oh dear.
This is such a huge step for me because it is so easy to want to hide this disease 
from those who I know and associate with.
There are so many myths about mental illness.
Part of that comes from Hollywood and part comes from ignorance.

A LOT of FEAR and some thoughts of anxiety are racing through my head...

Will I be judged?
Will my friends stop trusting me?
Will they stop being my friends because of something their brother's uncle's mother's daughter-in-law's next door neighbor who "is" also bipolar did? (:
Will this affect my kids and how they are treated? (I certainly hope not because there is a mother bear in me who wants to shield my "cubs" from hurt and teasing. Plus, I don't see what my disease has anything to do with them and how they should be and deserve to be treated).

Years ago I lost a close friend when I told her about my disease and that really hurt. Another person my Mr. and I invited into our home told me how horrible bipolar people are because of something someone else did. As she was ranting, my husband gave me one of those looks that said, "Should we tell her what you have?" I slightly shook my head that said, "No." Looking back I really missed out on a great opportunity to prove to her that not all people who have a mental illness are like that or behave that way. I know that I have some hurt that I need to let go of. I know I need to trust people, be confident, & not allow others' opinions dictate how I feel about myself.

It is amazing to me when I look back a couple of posts that I had blogged about not taking counsel from my fears. So without further ado, here's a picture I took of myself today. My first name is Amber.

Aren't I cute?

I certainly think so!

See, I'm normal looking, but my husband thinks I'm quite hot.

**Oh, it was so hard to hit that PUBLISH button.

Letters from Home

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter addressing it to my Heavenly Father.
I told Him everything. I was seeking guidance on whether on not I should sign up for this mentoring program
or if it would be too much for me to handle.
I wrote about my fears,worries & my hopes.
I listed 6 things that I "am" willing to put on hold so that I could create the necessary time and space in my life for this program. 
I am making room for success.
There are changes that I need to make in my life and WANT to make in my life.
One year from now I do NOT want to be in the same place I am now. 
I do not want my cycles of depression to last 2 1/2 months at a time.
I want to know what my triggers are for depression and have the tools I need to avoid them.
I already know what triggers my anxiety and I am careful and wise in avoiding the ones I have control over.


I then addressed a letter to myself from my Father and carefully listened to the Spirit to know what to write.
OH, MY.
What a powerful experience.
I cried and felt so loved. The Spirit was so strong.

I felt that I should share a little bit from that letter:

"I know this bipolar illness has been very challenging for you. It pains and saddens me to see you depressed or struggling with feelings of despair or hopelessness. I want to see you healed. I want you to feel loved despite the depression. I want you to TRUST me, relying on me to help inspire, comfort, & uplift you during those times. You are so strong. I want you to believe it. I want you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU ARE STRONG. You were a strong warrior in the preexistence during the war in Heaven. You were unwavering, strong and steadfast. You were a great help to many thousands of people. Your influence was GREAT. You are a very choice spirit. Because of the battle skills you have and demonstrated against Satan and the powers of darkness I knew and trusted that you would be brave in facing the lonely darkness of depression. I needed you to go through this trial of depression so that you would know how to succor those of my precious children who are downtrodden. Your influence will be great. You will be able to help lift many thousands of people who suffer as you have suffered. I need you to be able to be there for them. I love you. Keep fighting, be undaunted, trust ME, put your trust in ME and I will lead, guide, comfort and help you in your journey towards healing. You are a choice spirit. I love you and need your help and leadership to rescue others.
-----------------------------------
Just typing this made me cry.

 I strongly encourage my readers to try this experience. 

Write a letter to God and then carefully listen to what comes into your mind and heart and write it down. You will feel His love.
You will be amazed as you learn things about yourself that you didn't know or have forgotten.

Depression is a battle that can be won and I am fiercely determined to do it.

Knick knack

Not long after I blogged on 

April 10th

my hubbie and I were on a date

and we went shopping at 

the cutest old mercantile store.

They sell some gifts & 

a bunch of old-fashioned candy.

I saw this magnet  there that grabbed my attention

 and I just had to buy it.

It reads, 

HOPE

...each sunrise

gives hope

to your dreams

& light

for your way.

There are no such thing as coincidences. 

I know that my Father wants me to focus on Hope, 

which is to TRUST in His promises.

HOPE is Trusting in the Lord's Promises

I love watching Mormon Times on ksl.com

You can go here to watch full episodes. 

They post a new episode every Sunday.

I watched an episode yesterday about hope.

Gerald Lund quoted President Deiter F Urchtdorf who said that 

HOPE

is choosing to 

TRUST

 in the Lord's promises.

Some examples of the Lord's promised blessings  that were mentioned are:

Forgiveness: Our mistakes need not condemn us

Protection

Premonition

Guidance

JOY

Happiness

Promise of Divine Revelation

Families can be Forever

Priesthood: has the power to HEAL, Bless, Instruct & Direct

and many more.

It's common for those struggling with depression 

to have a hard time

feeling the Spirit. 

In turn, it becomes easy to feel

like Heavenly Father isn't listening 

to my prayers & 

that you are all alone.

BUT,

like Gerald Lund said,

"The more we FOCUS on those

promises 

the more HOPE we have 

& out of that comes that STRENGTH,

that FAITH that 'I can endure this,'

AND if I DO,

then my promises are sure."

Life is Good

I am Happy

despite my depression.

Recovery from depression 

means that 

YOU

 manage it 

rather than letting 

IT manage you.

I am Happy 

because I have a loving Savior

who knows me by name,

who knows me personally,

and who loves me perfectly.

I am never alone 

in this trial

because I have HIM.