Fear Challenge: Post my picture on my Blog...

Oh dear.
This is such a huge step for me because it is so easy to want to hide this disease 
from those who I know and associate with.
There are so many myths about mental illness.
Part of that comes from Hollywood and part comes from ignorance.

A LOT of FEAR and some thoughts of anxiety are racing through my head...

Will I be judged?
Will my friends stop trusting me?
Will they stop being my friends because of something their brother's uncle's mother's daughter-in-law's next door neighbor who "is" also bipolar did? (:
Will this affect my kids and how they are treated? (I certainly hope not because there is a mother bear in me who wants to shield my "cubs" from hurt and teasing. Plus, I don't see what my disease has anything to do with them and how they should be and deserve to be treated).

Years ago I lost a close friend when I told her about my disease and that really hurt. Another person my Mr. and I invited into our home told me how horrible bipolar people are because of something someone else did. As she was ranting, my husband gave me one of those looks that said, "Should we tell her what you have?" I slightly shook my head that said, "No." Looking back I really missed out on a great opportunity to prove to her that not all people who have a mental illness are like that or behave that way. I know that I have some hurt that I need to let go of. I know I need to trust people, be confident, & not allow others' opinions dictate how I feel about myself.

It is amazing to me when I look back a couple of posts that I had blogged about not taking counsel from my fears. So without further ado, here's a picture I took of myself today. My first name is Amber.

Aren't I cute?

I certainly think so!

See, I'm normal looking, but my husband thinks I'm quite hot.

**Oh, it was so hard to hit that PUBLISH button.

Who is Mrs. Fuzzle?

What's a fuzzle? Beats me!

Apparently I talked in my sleep a few weeks ago. According to my husband this is what I said,

"I hope the Big fuzzles do their job and I hope the little fuzzles grow into Big fuzzles!"

My Mr. then asked me what a fuzzle was and I just patted his arm. I recalled all of this when he told me and I remember patting his arm reassuringly and I was about to explain but I fell back asleep. My family laughed a lot about our fuzzle story. My oldest thought it was great and kept quoting me all week.

Conquering Mt. Everest

Why Mt. Everest?

IMAGINE yourself climbing Mt. Everest. You  can see the summit in the distance when you collapse and there's no way you can go any further. You're completely spent. You have absolutely no more energy left, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, or physically. 

Out of the corner of your eye you see the Savior. He is there because you humbly and prayerfully invited Him. You watch as He walks towards you. He is coming to your aid and He is the one to help you reach the top. 

I believe we all have a "Mt. Everest" in our lives. At different periods in our lives sometimes our trials are mountains, or hills, or boulders and sometimes they're only annoying pebbles in our shoes. The only reason we make it to the top is due to our Savior's Atonement. There's no way we can make it on our own, nor should we even try. (But we all try to sometimes, don't we? ;) ) 

In the past, my life's Mt. Everest has been severe symptoms of suicidal ideation, insomnia, major depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

Let me be clear. I AM NOT bipolar. 
Why? Because this dis-ease in my body does not define me.

I WILL NOT even say that I HAVE a mental illness called bipolar disorder. Some may say that "I'm in denial." Nope. This dis-ease no longer has a place in my life. I am no longer allowing it room in my life or "feeding it." 

I do not want those symptoms of dis-ease in my body to be stored my cell's memories.

This dis-ease does not define who I am and I will never say that I am bipolar. My worth is infinite and divine. My value does not come from what I have, what I can do, but from who I am.

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.

I have had many promptings that I needed to start a blog about my experiences. One thing has stopped from taking this step is mainly

FEAR.

Hence, the pen name. This blog will be full of very real and raw emotions and I feel I can be more open with a pen name. But should my identity really matter? I don't usually share the fact that I have a mental illness with those that I meet or even some of my closest friends. I have learned the hard way that there are many misconceptions about mental illnesses in general. Hopefully, I can to dispel some of those myths.

(September 29, 2015) For the past 5 years I have progressed on my healing journey to the point where I am not ashamed of my disease. It is not something that I need to hide. There are many misconceptions about mental illnesses and I cannot dispel those myths if I choose to hide. Today I am much more open about my disease. There are so many people who suffer, so many families who lives are affected by a family member's mental illness. I promise that your hurt will turn into hope, your despair into determination to fight against the disease, your pain into peace.

My writing has enabled me to learn to trust my Savior by laying this burden at His feet and receive the healing that I desire. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said,

"Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a “healing” cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are “healed” by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

I absolutely BELIEVE, 

                                                                      truly believe and trust 

that I will be completely and 100% HEALED.

I have received my healing through the understanding, patience, and ability to release this burden through God's loving grace. I now know what to eat and what foods to completely avoid; what essential oils to use and which essential oils actually create more harm than good because their tainted with chemicals, and most importantly how to take charge of my own health plan using the guidance and relying on the amazing talents of naturalistic-minded health professionals with medical degrees.

Please listen to this amazing song by Hilary Weeks called Beautiful Heartbreak 

You'll love it. I promise.

It's the perfect ending to this post.